Our imminent doom... and salvation

So I am the leader of a local Boy Scout troop. As part of Scouting you are supposed to live by the motto "be prepared." My boys were having a tough time of this, especially when it came to learning how to navigate by the stars and determining directions without a compass or GPS. They complained that they would always have a GPS so why have to learn these things?

So I asked what was the worst case scenario that they could think of.

One said being lost in the woods with a broken leg. (I had to embellish this, because that just isn't that bad...) I added that is was early spring and there is a mother bear with two cubs nearby as well.

One said having your boat sink in shark infested waters and no flotation device. (I added that they have a deep puncture wound in their thigh).

They listed a few other situations of lesser concern... Finally I was through. I asked the most important question EVER. "What about the Zombie Apocalypse?" Seriously, that got their undivided attention. They now go into every single situation and merit badge with the thought of how this will aid in the Zombie plague that is bound to happen eventually.

In that light, I thought I would share a great idea that I found floating (pun intended) around on the web. It could work and I bet this was thought of by a Boy Scout.

Morning jog?

I hate running. I have NEVER felt that "runner's high" that people talk about. Though that could be because I have never gone much further than 2 miles... Instead I just feel tired out, sweaty, and cranky after I run. My knees hurt, my back hurts, and my hip hurts. Generally I am just a whiner after I run. And no one likes whining, so I try to avoid running.

However, running is good for you. You gotta get some exercise, right? So, I dragged my butt out of bed at 5:30 this morning and made my neighbor go run with me. In an effort to avoid aching joints I thought we should avoid pavement and go run some trails at Lick Creek park...

The problem: There was something following us. I am fairly certain it wasn't a cougar, they don't make noise when they are going to eat something. So, I think it was a hyena... or maybe a small tiger? Big dog? I don't know, it was dark, in the woods, before the sun was up, I was still sleepy. I don't know what it was. I do know that it was as tall as mid thigh (I am 5'10") made lots of noise as it ran through the undergrowth at us and scared the crap out of me (a razorback? they have those in Texas, right?).

My neighbor told me when we got back to the car that he was surprised that I was such a fast runner, considering how little I run. I just told him, as long as I am faster than him, whatever it was would eat him instead.

Texas Transition part 2: They are bigger

I know that they say everything is bigger in Texas, but that is not totally true. It is just that once you get down here, you realize that all of the bugs are HUGE. They are so large in fact that change the names once they reach a certain size. Like a roach is actually called a "waterbug" once it is large enough that you might not be able to kill it with a baseball bat (that is not a joke - scared the crap out of me when it tried to crawl away after I beat it). Now why it becomes a "waterbug" when it actually is just a big freaking cockroach - I don't know. But they are gross.

But the really terrifying things are the Field Spiders and Wolf Spiders here... That image above is about life size. The first one I saw was well and truly the size of my palm, she was on the back porch and I decided to name her Shelob (10 points to anyone that gets that joke). I thought she was large enough that I should domesticate her and keep her as a watch animal in the back. But beware they jump... and they are really fast... and I only had a wood spoon... and I had to put a bell on my child to make sure I would know when they have carried him off. Seriously though, there is nothing as creepy as having one of these behemoths crawl across your foot. Ugh! Also, please note that they are large enough that you DO feel it when they bite. It hurts.

So come on down to Texas and see the freaky wildlife.

Behold! the Dictator!

If any of you were wondering, this is how it all starts. He pulls people out of the chair, climbs up, and begins to tell you that it is his chair and that you can't sit there... I guess that settles the matter. He runs the house.

Some people really shouldn't procreate.

I think it should be a prerequisite for anyone that chooses to argue with a stranger, to understand the basic requirements of logic. (As an aside, it would also be of use to know the proper use of simile and metaphor).

I say this because a woman listened to a phone conversation that I had with my wife. I realize that I am on the train and so this conversation is not completely "private." So I will forgive her that she decided to start a conversation with me based on that. The topic was: "I want to get a dog."

She asked what kind of dog that I wanted. I told her a Rottweiler. Easy, right? unfortunately not. She told me that they are really stupid dogs. I responded, that wasn't my impression - after all, they use them for service dogs, guard dogs, rescue, police and military - they can't be that stupid. She says, "no, they don't use them for those things." I again, confirm that they do indeed. "no, they don't! I have never seen one!" (please remember that bold line, it will explain much of my irritation later). I can't help it, I pull up a picture on my phone of the German Military using them, to which she says, "Well they don't use them in the US." I was amazed... what ignorance is couched in a statement such as that? Is it that they don't exist in the US? Or just that anything that is done outside of US borders irrelevant?

*grrrr* my irritation is showing on my face.

She notices and somehow makes this HUGE leap... "I bet you are one of those religious nuts, aren't you? I can tell that you are annoyed, because I keep proving you wrong." I am so irate at that statement/assumption/question that I don't know which to address first. Did she anywhere "prove me wrong" and even if she had somehow done that, how would she determine if I were religious? Are all people that dislike being "proven wrong" religious? I decide to go with a bit of tact (or maybe not...).

"So, you prove religious people wrong? How so?"

"Oh! It is easy!" she practically squealed with delight. "I just ask if they have ever seen God, of course they haven't, so... they have to admit that God doesn't exist."

Wow... if only all arguments were solved so easily.

Palm Tree are tougher than they look

On windy days I can see palm trees swaying back and forth. They look so thin and flexible, I just have a hard time thinking they are strong. I mean I can walk up and push on the trunk and it will move back and forth. I know that they are designed that way by nature to protect from topical storms, etc. I also know that there are multiple ways to define strength. But they seem really weak to me.

Until... I saw a Toyota Corolla get completely pwned by a palm that was only about 6" thick on the 55 freeway, this morning. Yeah, the tree was still there doing fine. That car got completely jacked (driver seemed to be ok).

I really wish I had a picture...

I should get an honorary degree

I am sitting on the train as usual. At this point I don't even pretend to avoid people on the train, the dumbest people are drawn to me like a moth to flame.

I find myself unabashedly listening to the discussion of two people across the aisle from me. A large bearded man and a woman in her late forties(ish?).

Man: "Did you know that cocoa and cocaine come from the same plant? Amazing that such different things can come from the same source!"

Woman: That is astounding! Are you sure?

Man: (leaning over toward me) She doesn't believe me, you know that don't you? You tell her!

Me: Well, actually they aren't the same at all. Cocoa comes from the cocoa bean and Cocaine comes from the Coca plant. They aren't even in the same genus.

Man: What, are you some kind of botanist?

Me: For the purposes of this conversation? Yes, I am.

and one more thing...

There is a reason that The Green Lantern Corps is afraid of The Batman.

Oh My EPIC.

This is why Batman will always win! Bet you didn't know he was a Jedi...

as a follow up.

previously I mentioned that my Xbox 360 broke. This is a follow up, to point out why the Japanese sell more cars and electronics than America does. Cause it still works.

This is epic and belongs here.

This is a re-post from Jeffs Gameblog. But it sounds just like conversations that my wife and I have about dressing Hudson up as Batman. Below is the conversation that Jeff had with his wife, I believe that his daughter needs to meet my son.

actual conversation, moments ago

Me: Is Elizabeth [our daughter] dressed?

My wife: Yes, but I'm getting her a different pair of pants.

Me: What's wrong with the pants I got her?

My wife: Nothing. It's just that they're purple and don't go with the green shirt.

Me: Green and purple always go together in the comics.

My wife: Yes, but our daughter isn't the Joker.

I think that all the time.

People often tell me when they do dumb things, that they think they must be dumb... I think that too.

also epic

I just keep finding these. It is funny... and maybe a bit offensive all in one.

Given the title of this blog...

How can I resist this?

That is one of the best comics I have seen in awhile. It perfectly explains why Batman is so much better than Superman.

Only a few of my friends will find this as funny as I do.

This is for Nate and Megs.

Muppets rule